Friday, October 26, 2012

Yoga Practice...and its plot to wipe out christianity, one downward dog at a time

A group of parents that reside in Encinitas California are outraged. Their children attend Flora Vista Elementary school and the school is engaged in a practice that the parents will not stand for. Furthermore they are considering suing the school. No, the teachers aren't beating the kids; thank God and no, the staff aren't feeding the kids high fructose corn syrup portions by the ladle-full. What's going on there is perhaps even worse, in the eyes of these parents. The school...wait for it...is teaching the children yoga! Nooooooo!

These parents take their religious practice darned seriously and by golly they feel that yoga, a practice  drenched in Hinduism threatens their children's religious beliefs. They've got themselves a lawyer and they're flexing just about every legal muscle they've got. And did I mention they've got a pastor on board as well? Ah, but of course they do. Oh sweet fanaticism how I love thee.

What have we got here? Let's break it down. By now we all know that California is approximately a ten times more litigious state than any other in the union. So the lawsuit piece ain't no big revelation.  But yoga threatening christianity? Really? This is a case of one of man's biggest driving emotions: fear. (Which is kinda timely what with halloween around the corner and all). But this is fear; fear that the hardcore teachings from parent to child will be diluted, distorted and dismantled and thus control will be lost. The parents will have lost control of the doctrine that their children have been raised under.

The bigger picture of fear is that as with many religions people have a posture that 'my religion is better than yours and I fear that yours will grow larger than mine and eventually wipe it out.' You don't buy it? Just look at history from the crusades right on up to the conflicts of today. Now before you go throwin' your crumpled up Starbucks coffee cup at your tablet-phone-monitor-pod-pad in anger...settle. I'm not bashing religion rather I am attacking many-a-man's application of his interpretation  of religion. Getting back to fear, the message I recall from the good Book is that fear is something to be cast out. It is not something that calls for the creation of an angry mob with legal lackeys in tow.

 Take Bob and Martha and son Timmy for example; do Bob and Martha quake in their boots that a situation like this might arise?:

"Mom, dad I'm a changed nine year old."

"How so Timmy?"

"Well after moving from a sun salutation I eased into an upward dog. From there I melted into a downward dog, took a deep breath and jumped forward into standing-forward-bend. It was then, as I came up slowly and slid into mountain-pose that it hit me, pow! I'm no longer feeling the fire or the brimstone. I'm done with christianity. Bring on hinduism. Matter of fact let's just get straight to full-on  debauchery!"

"Goodness gracious no, Timmy! Say it isn't so! Damn you yoga, damn you to hell!"

Or let's not forget Hal and Ethel and their fine young son ironically also named, Timmy:

"Mom, dad meet me in Pop's den in five will ya."

"What is it Timmy, why have you called this meeting?"

"Today at school we did this thing called yoga and--"

"That's it! Marsha, get the shyster on the blower," Hal demands.

"Hear me out Pops," Timmy pleads. "As I sat in the lotus position I focussed on my breathing and--"

"Breathing? Those heathen soaked blasphemers!"

"Steady Ma. Anyway, as I sat in my lotus position it hit me, pow! Me and christianity are through baby."

"Timmy, I will not have you using the word 'baby' that way. Any more bombs you want to drop on your poor mother and me?"

"Actually yeah Pop, uncle Roger, your twin brother, ah, he's gay. He told me so when he bought me my first yoga mat."

"Damn you yoga, damn you to hell!"

Alright perhaps these examples are a tad extreme but come on y'all this is crazy what these parents want to do. And you'd better beware of the slippery slope because if yoga is a demon then Tai Chi practitioners  better start circling their slow moving wagons because they're sure to be next. The headline of the local rag will read 'Tai Chi forces combative buddhism on fourth graders by force. Parents unite!'

Listen kooks, raise your kids the way you want to but don't fear the yoga. Yoga is about tranquility, breathing, meditation and a whole host of other positive things. And at the risk of getting hung up on semantics yoga actually predates Hinduism. Heed your good Book's words and cast fear out. And here's how you can do it: When something scares you take a breath (pun totally intended) and learn, research, study, inquire, hell enquire while you're at it. And then proceed. Because if you'd opened your minds and opened your hearts you would come to learn that yoga is not the foe, it is the friend. Lastly, the bible does not read 'thou shalt be totally litigious whence living in California at all times' so stop running to your lawyer every time you get spooked. Love thy neighbor, don't fear him. We're all God's children and that includes those who do the praying mantis.

So be good sweet citizens of Encinitas or I'll dust off my 1980's yoga unitard, squeeze my two hundred pound frame into it and come trick or treating as a yogi to your house...And you thought yoga was scary? Boo!


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