Thursday, December 11, 2008

Must We Love Dogs?

The world has gone dog gone crazy. Driving home today I saw a billboard for a movie called Hotel for Dogs, or something like that. A moment later I saw a bench ad with a puppy on it for a movie called Marley and me. And in the theaters right now is an animated movie with a Travolta voice over called, Bolt. Don't get me wrong, I dig dogs but enough already. It is understandable that Hollywood would make these films as, Los Angeles is the dog obsessed capital of the U.S. When doggie psychiatry, doggie therapy and doggie psychics came on the scene they were spawned from L.A.'s doggie loving seed. And believe me, Paris Hilton is not the first nor is she the only empty headed broad to spoil an obnoxious k-9 rat dog. Take a walk down Rodeo drive and every third supposed, high class, dame is toting an over privileged k-9 weasel dog. And most card carrying radical Peta members hang their hats...and dog collars in this city. So one can see why Hollywood writers clutch their laptops and high tail it to the nearest Starbucks to pen the next great American doggie adventure. If I could call upon a more powerful word than nauseating, I would. But don't get me wrong, I dig a point.

A recent study at the university of...blah, blah, blah discovered that dogs possess a sense of fairness. Holy breakthrough Batman! They set it up so dogs would do tricks and then they'd be rewarded with a treat. But when the clever scientists withheld the treats from some of the dogs, those dogs said, "fuck this" in dog speak, and would not participate anymore. This was how the sci-geniuses or is it geniuii?, came to their findings. This, I'm afraid, is where the scientists erred. The fact of the matter is that dogs in this instance merely recognized when a member of the top of the food chain (scientist) possessed the asshole gene. If I were the Dean of this college it would go something like this:

"So what does this tell us science boy?"
"Well, um, er, I don't know Mr.Dean sir."
"Your funding just got yanked science boy. Now get over there with the others and find me a cure for cancer, chop, chop."

Oh but I miss the 1970's when as a young, hip lad, dogs were dogs who knew their place and people weren't maniacal morons about k-9s. Tough guys had German shepherds, families had Labrador Retrievers, and Little big men had Doberman Pincers. There were no small dogs, no Brussels Griffins, no Chihuahuas nothing other than blue haired grandma's poodle. And if there were small dogs they were mistaken for rodents or cats. But now dogs are on prozak and they can even go to a spa and get a massage! And now countless varieties of small dogs are running the show. It's time to come back to the sane side of the doggie park America before we become an even bigger embarrassment!