Friday, October 29, 2010

Don't Be A Smart ALEC!

Arizona senator Russell Pearce had a problem. There were too many illegal immigrants running around in his town and he wasn't having any. So, he went to his little clubhouse of buddies. The club has a name; American Legislative Exchange Council or ALEC for those in the know. ALEC is comprised of Arizona state legislators and powerful corporations. "Lawmakers, meet money guys. Money guys, say hello to malleable lawmakers." As handshakes move around the room Exxon Mobile cats say hello to National Rifle Association fellas. And NRA fellas greet Corrections Corporation of America guys, the largest private prison company in the country.

The ALEC boys listen to their brother ALEC member, senator Russell Pearce with deep concern. Brows are furrowed. Sighs escape turned down mouths. A discussion spreads through the room until a plan is hatched. And then a bill is drafted. I am of course referring to the controversial Arizona immigration bill which allows law enforcement to question suspicious looking brown people. The ALEC members of the prison board not only felt sorry for the troubled senator they also saw an opportunity. Remember, they are the money guys. Why else would they be in the room? They saw that there was a new commodity in town and that brown people were it!

In the 70's, 80's, 90's and so on many politicians, activists and regular folk cried foul at the proportion of black and brown people versus white people in prisons and jails. Often the person pointing out the lopsided phenomena was either ignored or labeled a conspiracy theorist. Well there ain't no ignoring nor is there a THEORY of conspiracy at play here in 2010. High level members at the Corrections Corporation of America have gone on record as saying "Immigrant detention is going to be our next big market." And why not? Detaining people is a billion dollar industry and they aim to keep it that way, and the only way to do that is to lock em' up baby!

Next, the private prison guys needed some brown people wranglers-someone to round up these people. Without detainees, no more prison building, meaning no more federal reserve notes (CASH). "Ah ha we'll get those ICE guys to do it, they love that shit," someone exclaimed. ICE stands for Immigration and Customs Enforcement. 'Phew, we've got our wranglers' they must have exhaled. They were good to go. Almost. It was looking as though only the 'money guys' stood to be 'in the money', so to speak. What about poor senator Pearce and his co-worker buddies? Oh yes, I almost forgot. Several of the legislators who voted for the bill were paid by the private prison companies or their lobbyists. Alas, ladies and gentlemen with all of the cash and players in play we have the perfect storm.

The kicker to this shindig that makes this fiendish plot the bees knees is that when ALEC members gather (money and power) and write bills and spread the wealth to themselves by pinning brown folk beneath their steel toed boots and tossing them into shiny new cells, the whole shootin' match is perfectly legal. How do ya like them apples America?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Island Of Doctor Murray

Doctor Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician has been charged with involuntary manslaughter. In lay terms the crime is basically an unintended accident that causes death. Voluntary manslaughter basically means, that a dude meant to kill someone but had no prior intent. This is often known as a "crime of passion". Dr. Murray falls into the involuntary category because the D.A. believes that Murray allegedly had no prior intent. The D.A.'s office probably arrived at their conclusion and subsequent charge due to the fact that Murray stood do make $150,000 per month accompanying Michael on the tour. Why bite the (gloved) hand that feeds ya?

Murray plead not guilty. The D.A. asked for bail to be set at $300,000. The D.A. shot high because the L.A. D.A. is a bit of a shaky D.A. what with the celebrity acquittals of O.J Simpson and Robert Blake. Not to mention the almost acquittal of music producer Phil Spector. Bail is usually set at $25,000 in California for a case like this. Alas, the judge finally settled on $75,000 which Murray paid and now he's out. If found guilty the maximum Dr.Conrad Murray would get is four years in a state prison. You Jackson fans may think that wouldn't be enough but we are talking prison, not jail. There is a big difference: prison is a harder place with harder guys. Many of which are Jackson fans with their own standard of right and wrong. Even if he were to be separated from general pop he could still be 'got' to. (If there is any truth to countless Hollywood prison movies that is).

Now that Murray is out he's free to practice medicine and is licensed to do so in Texas, Nevada and California; although the Cal-board of Doc-deciders is looking to pull his license as I write and you read. The Judge added a sweet little gem before the gavel dropped and that was that Murray is not allowed to prescribe anesthetics, especially Propofol. Propofol was the cocktail, or 'milk' as Michael called it, that the Doc cooked up to curb Michael's insomnia. How'd that work out for ya Doc?


Cue voice over of Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer: The following takes place between now and Dr. Murray's trial in April:

"...ah yeah Doc I need something fast for this back pain. And now that you're about to be sent up for just shy of a nickel, I take it your rates have come down a little?"

"Ah, er, yes. Mind you I can't prescribe Popofol, my old stand by, but I can prescribe everything in this pile which I've never prescribed and know precious little about. Are ya up for it? Come on, live a little. Give a Doc break."

To listen to the media, which I don't, it doesn't look good for old Doc Murray. But it should be an interesting trial because once again it has that slam dunk feel to it. But so did the O.J. and Blake trial.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Knockers & Nuts

Get this: The Australian government is banning adult publications and films featuring women with small breasts. The idea according to officials is to curb pedophilia. Did somebody just make that inquisitive sound that Skooby Doo used to make? Yeah me too. They reason that small breasts are typically found on girls under age 18 and this law would be one way to crack down on the hiring of under age girls. Ah, why not enforce the existing laws that crack down on these hiring practices? Maybe I'm missing the point. A point which is a reach. The Aussie powers that be, believe that if you have a young woman even of legal age, but with small breasts in a film or publication the pedophiles in the audience will observe said publication and head straight for the Aussie Chucky Cheese and troll the parking lots for prey. This is a hell of stretch, mates. Could this be a case of 'the right idea with the wrong execution,or something else?'

Sounds to me like the Aussie Deciders many of which no doubt grew up together playing Aussie rules football are a bunch of males pushing for a society of big boobs only. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the government smart guys are in league with the plastic surgeons lobby. Boob jobs on the rise-kickbacks to gov't officials behind the ban. Its a no-brainer.

Tread carefully mates, for there be a slippery slope thou are not aware of! This could lead to the high powered women in the Aussie parliament forging a ban of their own on men with low hanging fruit sacks. And they too could be in bed with the plastic surgeon lobby. All men with low hanging berries (no doubt some in parliament) would be forced to shell out dough for nut tucks. And that ain't all. The slope would continue to become slipperier as actor Paul Hogan a.k.a Crocodile Dundee would come out of retirement and form an Australian punk rock band called, Croc Dundee and the Nut Tucks. (Or Croc's Nut Tucks for the hip)Noooooooooooooo! Stop the madness.

Yo, government dudes, please: beautiful women come with breasts of all different sizes and for the love of god let a berry in a sack hang where a berry in a sack wants to hang.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Mayor Of Everywhere

When I'm the mayor of everywhere I'm going to make some changes that you can bet you'd better believe in. First of all, picture this if you will; you're driving along in your ride minding your own business. The car in front of you tosses his cigarette out the window. The butt bounces around maybe under your car, maybe into the next lane who knows? What we do know is that the tosser doesn't give a sh** where it goes because it's no longer his problem. Those days will be over when I'm mayor of it all. That dude will be pulled over and fined $2000 on the spot. This fine may seem high. In fact it's probably double your standard litter infraction. When one litters they are a prick no doubt, but it could be that they are dumping their refuse because they don't have a garbage bag in their car. As far as I know vehicles today still roll off the production line with built in ashtrays. The smoker need merely load up the ashtray and unload it at HOME when it's full. But he does not and therefore he's a litterer and an asshole. Hence, in my world he'll be popped $2000.


Here's how the dough will break down: $200 will go directly to my pocket for expenses such as stationary, drum sticks and beer. $800 will go towards highways and road maintenance. And now the fun part; the remaining $1000 will be dispersed to my citizens in the form of a reduction in their car registration fee and/or insurance rate. And that is how its all going to break down brothers and sisters, so smoke em' if ya got em' just don't dump em' on my roads unless you're ready to donate to society and your mayor's beer fund!