Friday, December 14, 2007

Media Exaggerate? No Way

Listening to talk radio today I heard that Barbara Walters criticized the Bush white house for the heavy religious content in the Christmas card she received from them. My eyes rolled and then-I had this thought and that. But before the topic passed and was replaced by things of import I made a vague mental note to check the news online and see what the rumpus is all about. Well folks I went to a hand full of sites that Google gave me and they all said things like 'Barbara attacks Bushes' 'Barbara lashes out' 'Barbara outraged'. I almost thought that this story might be 100 miles away from being actual news. And then...I found a site which carried the video of the VIEW episode where she supposedly lashed out. Barbara read, or should I say name dropped a list of hifalutin cards she got from hifalutin celebripricks. She maybe gave the Bush Christmas card oh, 35 seconds and only mentioned that it was the most religious white house card she'd ever received. And...ah...well...that's it. That's all of it. There was nothing more. By second 36 she was onto Elton John's card. Talk radio blew it up. Written press blew it up and on and on.
The media needs to stop giving us non-news. They need a forum where they can just spew their nonsense where it won't bother anybody...Like a blog or something.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Queer Eye For The Black Guy

Ah yes I remember it well. It was 1982 and I was in the 10th grade. I was waiting for the bus with a dozen other people of all walks of life. And each of us was minding his or her own business. A bright ball of misshapen color caught the corner of my eye. Across the street was a very tall man. He went about 6 ft. 2 inches tall with long black pig tailed hair. A red and white bandanna kept the locks at bay. He wore a multicolored vest over a bright orange long sleeve number. The clash didn't end there. A shocking blue sash held up puffy pants; the kind you see in modern day cirque du soleil. Said pants were brightly pinstriped. I've forgotten the color. But what I'll never forget was the painfully bright multi polka dotted leg warmers. The only thing brighter than his get up was his smile and this was from across a four lane street. I thought,"Hmm that's a bit much but to each their own."
And then...he crossed the street. Not like you or I would cross-he skipped the happy skip of a way too happy gentle-man. Can you guess where this is going? That's right the happy gangly lad skipped right up to me...who was as I said minding his own business.
"Allo, bonjour," he says. "I am Jean Paul and I cherche you."
For those in the dark here. 'Cherche' is French for-to look for or seek out.
He went on to say that he was an artiste!!!!!!!! "And I would very much that you come to my maison (house) so that you I can draw!"
I wanted to sock him in his Pippy Longstalking face for embarrassing me. Remember I was only 15 or 16 for dang sakes and being cool in front of strangers was priority number one.
"Look Pippy or Paul-"
"Jean Paul."
"Whatever. I'm not that guy. I'm not going anywhere except on my bus and-"
"Ah, no mon amie. Come avec moi. You are so athletic.I must draw you tout suite."
This was one time where flattery was gettin' this French bird nowhere.
"No way. Look Pippy, take your leg warmers and skip on down the road. I'm a kid for chrissake. Draw someone your own age."
"Please, just one hour, that is to say 60 minutes."
"What? Get outta here Pippy. Beat it."
Well, Jean Paul dropped his head and bottom lip and slumped away-this time with no skip in his step. I would have felt bad if 11 of the 12 people at the bus stop weren't giggling at me. And if Pippy wasn't borderline pedophilic in nature. But oh well nobody got hurt I suppose. I don't know what happened to old Pippy and quite frankly I couldn't care less but he did make it to this blog anyway. Ah, c'est la vie I suppose c'est la vie.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Celebrity News Y'all

Canadian actor Kiefer Sutherland of action television show 24 is headed for the hoosegow. Originally a hoosegow was a panel of judges but around about 1911 slang did what slang does and the term came to mean; jail. But I digress. Kiefer's going in for 48 days thanks to driving under the influence of a whole-lotta booze. If you do the easy math you'll realize that he'll be in lock down in a cozy 10x8 for Christmas, New Years and apparently his birthday. Boy is he going to get smashed when he gets out! Whooie doggie! The 48 days is courtesy of 30 days for the infraction and 18 more sun-ups for probation violation. (Incidentally 'probation violation' would make a great name for a heavy metal rock band). Hang in there Kiefer and just remember that your fans love you, the writer's are on strike so you're not missing any work and when you get out and celebrate holiday's and special occasions missed; hire a driver dummy!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Steve McQueen's Bullittt

Good news muscle car guys and tough guy fans. Ford is going to be building a replica of the 1968 Ford Mustang Fastback GT 390 that big bad Lt. Frank Bullitt drove in the movie, Bullitt. Ah yes, I can hear the big block V8 rumble from that car growling through San Francisco's streets like it was five minutes ago. I love it that in a time where hybrids are king in a global warming conscious world that the Ford motor company says, "Hey check out this cool 4.6 litre SOHC V8 prize that puts out a minimum of 270 horsepower." American muscle baby-home of the brave!
Get ready for it folks because Ford is only rolling out 7700 of these gems. Why? So the value of the car holds and the ones they build get snatched up lickety split.
And can we talk about Steve McQueen for a minute-mister Frank Bullitt. You don't get cool tough guys like him Chuck Bronson and Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry anymore. Instead you get Ledger and Gyllenhall camping out on broke back mountain. (Not that there's anything wrong with that). But where are all the tough guys? Rugged dudes with bad ass cars.
Ford is not alone in the retro game by the way for Dodge is unveiling the 1970 replica of the Dodge challenger. The long nose hemi powered beast will soon be on a lot near you.
It just goes to show that for every action; Hybrids-there is a reaction: the rebirth of American fuel burning muscle. It's a happy time ladies and gents, its a happy time.

Smilin' Fool Smilin'

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Me & Drums & Me

I've been drumming since I can remember and yet I can't remember ever paying proper tribute to my drums. Drums; those rhythmical cats that have never let me down. Drums are what I do, drums are what I am. I've had tons of lame gigs where the pay sucked and the beer was warm but it was never the drums fault; it was the gig. I once played Whistler mountain way up some dang gondola and literally...or near literally froze my hide off. I had to hold onto my drums sticks like they were clubs-knuckles white, teeth chattering. But I loved it. UPS once warped the crap out of my bass drum but she kept on playin' without so much as a complaint. Rhythm is everything. I owe so much to rhythm and I'll never get close to paying her back. I can only hope that truly appreciating the gift that I have will suffice as payment-at least partially. Rhythm is everywhere: it's in our walk and in our talk, when two people have sex, especially good sex what is really running the show? Rhythm baby. Hell there's rhythm when three people have sex...but I suppose that's a poly-rhythm but a rhythm just the same. I love drums and they tolerate me. What puts your tired ass on the dance floor but rhythm, that boom, boom, boom, chaka, boom, boom, boom. Babies seize it. They are drawn to it before we are. Wait a minute my math is off. Maybe we lose it and then get it back...yeah it must be that.
I have fallen off my drum throne, got stick splinters in my fingers and forearms and have even got brass cymbal shrapnel in my mouth mid live show. And yet all of that was on me. I own it. The drums were not to blame. I quit playing once in high school because I thought I needed more time for my studies...of hot chicks. When I returned to the kit she was like the sea-not forgiving until I put the work in. And that's the way it ought to be. I love the drums and they think I'm o.k. and I'm o.k. with that.
I played the drums at my mother's funeral. I felt as though I played like crap yet many in attendance said they were moved, some to tears. They say between 2000 and 4000 people were at my mother's funeral. When all was said and done the local newspaper reported on everything that occurred that day except my rhythmical tribute. I was furious until I realized that my song was heard by SHE that was meant to hear it... to feel it. I miss my mother. I love my mother and I know she hears every note I play. I love my drums and together we'll keep everyone here on earth shakin', movin' and stirrin'. And MOM, tell Miles and Mingus to get ready. Ya better grab Ella too. Also have Jimmy plug that axe in as well because I'm going to send you some rhythms that'll have the Boss keepin' the party going past heaven's last call!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Sheriff ain't over yet baby

I love this story. You know, the one about Sheriff Carona the crooked law man who's now been indicted for corruption. I wrote earlier of his long time assistant, George Jaramillo who rolled on his former boss and buddy. He struck a plea deal with the feds a few months back and at that time they sealed the plea while the investigation was ongoing. Jaramillo or 'Big Jara' as I like to call him admitted to accepting at least 45 grand in cash and gifts while working under Carona. Big Jara got himself 12 months and boy is he singin'.

On a personal note an acquaintance of mine met Carona in a bar and said Corona was a great guy. Yeah well no duh! At the time he was A: in a bar boozin' and B: he was livin' large on extra bullion from his little racket and C: His marriage seemed to be working all while having a mistress in the stable who was in on the fix. That's a friggin' trifecta brothers and sisters. Legally speaking things are looking pretty grim for the old law man who not only deputized his non cop buddies but also got some of them concealed weapons permits but he maintains his innocence and so far I haven't seen him sweat. Is he going to drag this out until the feds offer him a decent plea or has the shiny domed ex cop got one last card to play? We'll soon see, and I'll be watching.

Celebrity News

Just a quick one here folks. It looks like Bobby Brown, Mr. 'every little step' took a step in the wrong direction. No, no, no he didn't do a bunch of drugs, get in a car and wrap himself around a tree. He's better than that. Actually Bobby B. was warming up during a sound check of his current tour and he rolled his ankle. Not as young as you use to be Bobby? Or maybe not quite high enough. Bobby,if you are on the straight and narrow living the clean life then shame on you; look what it got you. But if you were a tad dusted at sound check and lost your footing due to a cool buzz, then hey, party on dude! The powers that be in his camp claim that he'll be back on his feet in no time and the show will go on! Truth be told it doesn't matter what Bobby hopes at this point. It is his ankle's prerogative for now.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Akeelah and the Beerz

So I'm kickin' back with my better half and we decide to watch a movie. We had an action movie, which I wanted to watch and a cutesie drama; Akeelah and the Bee. Being the man of the house and a man of action there was no way we were going to watch the movie about an eleven year old girl from Compton High School and her spelling bee. No siree bub!
So after popping in the Akeelah DVD I headed to the fridge. I knew that for me to get through this Disney-esque flick I'd need beerz, to go with the Bee. Right from the start I'm in a bad mood. Why, you ask? Because during the opening credits this movie turned out to be a STARBUCKS entertainment production! Go back and read that last sentence if you need to. That's right STARBUCKS! I can't stand that over priced coffee shop that pillages the world's coffee beans and devours the world's real estate. I was immediately forced to down the rest of my beer and retrieve another one. I checked my supply and was happy to discover that the seven remaining delectable beverages were just enough to get me through the movie. Angela Basset and Laurence Fishburn were in the movie so all was not lost and in fact as the celluloid moved along I found that we were actually witnessing a very good movie...accompanied by very good Stella Artois beerz! My wife was very moved by this feel good film and she may tell you that I was also moved but in actual fact my eyes were not tearing up. In truth I had accidentally popped a beer cap into my left eye right at the end of the movie so it only appeared that my eye was welling up. It's the truth, why would I lie? To summarize; good movie, good beer, starbucks blowz!

Friday, November 9, 2007


Hey what's the big idea? Another toy recall everybody. This time China has put GHB inside some little beads. This is the date rape drug people. Aw come on China what's going on here? Obviously this is not some sinister plot for I heard that the chemical was used to replace glue or something like that. An honest mistake perhaps. But if I may point my guns not at the Chinese but at the media for a second. It's great that they let us know about lead paint and 'roofie' drugs in toys but the buzz and scuttlebutt is what frosts me. It is as though they (we) are so proud of ourselves for exposing and criticizing the toy makers. The media act as if they're winning a war on toy makers...not unlike big brother who is supposedly winning the war on terror. And the masses-you people- huff and harumph and stamp your feet as if we are truly holy-er than thou (or them). Two things: We outsource and rush product to production and so sometimes you get lead paint and date rape drugs. Its the price of doing fast, cheap labor business. And second, it becomes increasingly difficult to take the high road with a nation that would own half of this country were they to call in their debt from us. It's as if ye of numbskull sits there and says' "Oh sure we've borrowed billions...almost trillions of dollars from you but if we made those toys, which we don't anymore we...we...we wouldn't use the roofie drug. That's for the kids in our institutions of higher learning. Oops scratch that last part." Nice rebuttal dummy. But I would argue that if our dollar continues to tank the way it is and we were in the position of building said toy for the Chinese-old Dr.Rocko in the lab might say,"Yo, Igor forget the good stuff, we're broke. Let's use the lead paint, its cheaper."
Don't get me wrong this toy stuff is horrific and the harm that came to those kids is very tragic and thank god it was exposed. But we are in bed with these people, in fact we have moved in with them and by choice, so lets keep the self congratulatory remarks and the snooty critique to a dull roar shall we.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Out of Africa

A preacher, Gibert Deya a self proclaimed bishop has been a bad man. He ran a ministry in Kenya. Occasionally a loyal follower in his flock would hope for a miracle in the form of a child. Well, mister Deya would provide that miracle. He finally got arrested for child stealing when rumors and whispers brought the law to his home in Nairobi to find 5 children there. Deya and his loving bride claimed that the children were their own. Sadly, the Deya's hadn't heard of DNA tests. Ah, but don't you just love modern science. As it turned out none of the kids were the Deyas'. Can you say 'busted?' The wife has been arrested. Deya somehow got his backside to London where his lawyers are fighting extradition. The Kenyans want the miracle bishop to come home and face the miracle music. It looks as though Deya's lawyers are going to lose this one because the best foot they've put forward is: The Kenya prisons don't meet extradition standards. Sorry fellas but that is pretty thin. In fact, Kenyans if you can hear me just promise the British barristers that you promise to sweep out his cell and put in a fresh roll of t.p. before the low life baby snatcher comes home. And mister Deya you of all people know that you are going to a better place at the end of the day so why not just go home and do your time. Heck, you can even 'born yourself again', or start up a congregation inside or perform miracles on all of the bruises you'll be getting from all of the inmates who don't take kindly to phony bishop child-nappers.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Celebrity News

Eva Longoria apparently has a crush on somebody very close to her. And that somebody is Eva Longoria. She's got a room in her home dedicated to her. She's kept all of her magazine covers which is not so bad on its own but she's blown them all up to poster size. Spread throughout the room one will also find promo pamphlets of the Desperate HouseHo's...ooops that's Housewives show. Talk about taking your work home with you. The only job I ever had where I took my work home with me was when I drove a beer delivery truck. (I'm referring to the cargo not the truck itself.) Where I was all about the beer, Eva is all about Me,Me, Meva!

Dog The Bounty Hunter can proudly join the ranks of other racist celebs Michael Richards and radio fool Don Imus. The Dog said and I quote,"I thought I was cool enough to use the word..." (N-word). And hasn't that always been the criteria to be racist? It's not about having a red neck, clean white sheets with eye holes, or deep seeded hate. It's all about being cool man, yeah. Dog, Dog, Dog, silly little doggie. What I don't get about these celebracists is the whole apology circuit;Larry King, Hannity and Combs etc. Guys, you're not helping yourselves. Just stay home, use the word to your heart's content and I promise we'll forget about you by...what were your names again?

Jay Leno hit the picket line of striking writers the other day and handed out doughnuts. He said something to the effect that 'we're all adults here, nobody's the bad guy we're just into a new area and we need to go through this until a deal is hammered out' He showed solidarity with the writers while not slamming the producers. Nice play Jay, nice play indeed.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

French Fries...Freedom Fries

And so now we are visited by Nicolas Sarkozy France's President. The goal: Bush and his buddies want to regain an ally. Let me remind this ADHD nation of a recent time when we were dumping French Champagne into our oceans, rivers and storm drains. A time when we refused to call french fries by their name and instead called them freedom fries. The same went for french toast. Oh sure it was the media that whipped up the new nomenclature and beat it like a dead horse. But don't kid yourselves, the Bush administration loved the frenzy. Hell they may even have authored the swill. Remember they were building the coalition of the willing and all of that jazz.
Ah, but that is ancient history. It is a new day. Sarkozy is for heavy sanctions against Iran and therefore we like the stuff. Hey, don't get me wrong I understand the game; alliances have been coming and going for centuries but just don't be a prick about it. There were several countries that did not join the coalition-ya dummies. But Sarkozy is French and like many Europeans he gives it to you straight: he did mention concern about the weakening U.S. dollar. He feels that a strong nation...(one that is bringing freedom to everybody), should have a strong currency. I agree. But analysts to the right will tell you a weak dollar is good for trade and we need this to off set the wounded housing market. Bullshit!Stop lying assholes and bring some truth. If the dollar drops to the weight of the peso will we still be kicking ass in the trade department? Currency is juice and if other nations see that your dollar is weak and you can't buy like you used to and countries don't scramble for your currency then you simply ain't got the juice baby. When Bush went to India and gave them the green light on their nuclear program he told them Americans would look forward to eating Indian mangoes. (I couldn't have put it better if I was on a three day tequila bender...wait a minute-sure I could.) I suppose if this trip comes off without a hitch Sarkozy will get a message that Americans look forward to drinking french roasted coffee. For the record, I'll be adding three shots of Jamaican rum to my cup of french java, because this game of political ass kissing and friend gathering is tres pathetique! (That is french for 'blowz')

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Corona: good beer-dirty sheriff

Well, well, well there's never a dull moment in Los Angeles politics or the L.A legal system. This time or once again rather we go to Orange County. How about Sheriff Michael Corona getting busted for corruption. The Cat allegedly accepted bribes and gifts to the tune of 350 grand plus. The part I like is that his wife and mistress are on the hook too. Oh and did I mention that the mistress is a lawyer. Ha! You can't write this stuff. Ah, but here's my favorite part: Wife's name; Deborah. Mistress's name; Debra. Dude! I shit thee not. How sweet is that deal. He'd never call out the wrong name in the throes of passion. Slick no?
Corona's main partner in crime was a dude named Haidl, a wealthy businessman. Haidl put up dough for Corona's campaign back in the day and continued to buy himself influence and get out of jail free cards for his friends and of course family. Apparently Haidl's teenage A-hole son got popped partaking in gang rape. Corona, the old sweet soul that he is leaned on the county D.A. to charge the kid as a juvenile instead of an adult. A year later the kid got picked up on a drug charge. Corona smoothed that wrinkle out for the lad as well. This is all alleged by the way. So now the Feds have pinched Sheriff Corona in large part to two former assistants who rolled on Corona and cut deals.
The Sheriff and wife and mistress are denying all charges until their cows come home. This is pretty standard up front because their lawyers need time to figure it all out, cut deals and counter sue if need be. Or just rack up the billable hours. Time will tell on this one...And I'll be watching!

Watch Out Y'all

A good friend of mine who is an art student told me she needed images of someone doing something active in some kind of uniform. Then she'd take photos and then sketch what she saw. So there I am doing Hapkido Karate kicks one sunny day. I know it looks like I fell down but honestly I knew what I was doing. Don't try this at home...ah to hell with it, go for it!

Kids today- Live music today

Being a Cat who teaches private drum lessons I've discovered a big difference between my days of being an up and coming musician and kids today. In my day we all loved the idea of going to a rock concert and if as a kid or teen you were able to play an those heroes of ours on stage; then chicks (gals) loved you. Girls were impressed by you. Each high school would have battle of the band contests and the entire school no matter which, attended.
Today the landscape has changed. Kids today download their music and attending concerts is not a huge priority and therefore doesn't happen much. Oh, what a shame. I've asked several students both male and female what their peers think about their talent. A resounding,"not much" seems to be the consensus. Again-shame. And the amount of my students that actually play in bands or jam with friends is too dismal to mention. When I ask about band prospects they look at me the way a deer gazes upon oncoming headlights. This does not bode well for live music. And sadly when I caution my students most don't care...about losing what they know nothing of.
But live music has been in trouble before: anybody remember disco? And live music will survive, for it always has. And just as the night time is a dark time for Will Ferrill's Chaz Michael Michaels, 2007 is a dark year for live music. Get it together kids and swing the live music pendulum back to the stage!