Friday, March 8, 2013

Chris Brown vs. The Little Guy

boy can he dance...
Ah yes, the wonderful Chris Brown who we've all come to know and love-NOT-has done it again. This time he's turned his ire to the often wily and dangerous valet parker. Brown attended a charity event at a Studio City bowling alley. When he was said and done he was told that the valet fee was $10...all at once. Chris Brown being Chris Brown replied, "Fu** the $10, give me my keys." Fu** the $10? Now why would the high strung entertainer curse this nation's fine currency? But more importantly how dare the valet parker do his job. Who does he think he is, an employee of the establishment or something? Brown towered over the short valet attendant. (It is unclear as to whether Brown stood on a curb above the man or...on a little box the style often used by short movie actors). For reasons unknown the valet when faced by Brown and his four bodyguards with a combined weight of over one thousand pounds complied and gave up the keys. Although in addition to the size of Brown's posse and the size of the men in the posse Brown felt the need to issue a threat.

"We gonna turn this whole spot up!" Cheese and crackers what a threat! However, were I the valet that night I'd ask for clarification as to the meaning of the threat. Because to me it sounds like someone attempting to sing a James Brown song but screwing up the lyrics. I understand blowing up a spot or turning up the volume; hell, turn up the heat for all that matter but turning up a whole spot? It causes one to ponder, question, query and ask WTF.

Furthermore, I challenge the notion that Chris Brown was attending a charity event. I believe he was at the alley to settle a score with some bowling pins. I bet he turned to his biggest bodyguard and said, "Say Rocko, hand me that bowling ball, those pins are talking smack about me. First, I'm gonna knock 'em over then I'm gonna turn this whole spot up."Ah, but to live in a world where little chorus-boy-songsters like Brown would simply don their ballet slippers and keep their issues and vocal chirps on the stage.

Let's face it the entertainer has anger issues. Before this event he got into it with one of his bodyguards. When refueling in Bermuda he kicked the Cat off the plane and left him there. And of course we all remember Brown punching his then girlfriend Rhianna in the face...repeatedly...when she stepped out of line. Oops, I suppose I should say he 'allegedly punched...' to protect myself from a possible future lawsuit from the diminutive Brown. However, if that happens I'll just say, "Fu** the lawsuit I'm gonna turn the whole lawsuit-spot up--so there!"And now with a thousand pounds of beef behind him he threatens an innocent valet parker who probably makes less per hour than the $10 he asked Brown for. The poor sap probably had no idea what was coming that night as he donned the snazzy valet-vest and headed into work.

The Solution

Chris Brown needs years of therapy. He needs to be stripped of his fame and fortune. Then he needs the court to order him to attend five semesters of a women's studies course. After this let's tag on some volunteer work and community service. Some theological study should be added and then let's top it all off with two years of yoga and meditation. Then the little entitled narcissistic uppity upstart with Napoleonic tendencies might emerge as just half of an asshole. Oh come on I'm just teasing. I'm sure that with the above reparative work Chris Brown might not be all that...bad a guy. Until then keep an eye on the headlines and stay out of his way. But me being an armchair tough-guy-blogger in full bloviation let me say this: Chris Brown you are lucky that I wasn't your valet that night because there ain't no way your security detail would have been quick enough to get to me in time!