Saturday, October 31, 2009

A Tennis Dude, A Bump And A Cat Named Slim

Tennis pro Andre Agassi admits in a tell-all biography that he used a scary amphetamine known as crystal meth. A star athlete using drugs! What in the Sam Hill? He claims to have got the boost from his assistant drug-user named Slim. Agassi, baby, how many times do I have to tell you, never trust a guy named Slim. Apparently Agassi claims his career was in the shitter due to a wrist injury back in 1997. Slim laid out the powder and took a bump. He cut up another blast and Andre leaned forward and went on a trip. We've all heard the story before. In his book he claims he took the hit and immediately regretted it. This regret however, was immediately replaced by an awe inspiring high of a lifetime. Ah, crystal meth you naughty little boy.

Had I been in the room at the time I'd have told Andre," Don't do it man. The only Slim I'd ever have trusted was the one Lauren Bacall played in 'To Have or Have Not' with Humphrey Bogart. Now that was a dame. A dame you could trust." But I wasn't there. And the rest is in his bio and for the history books.

After the Hot Shot tennis player took the shot he got a call from the tennis federation informing him that he failed a drug test. From bad comes badder. Andre had already crossed one line and he was about to cross another. He wrote a heart felt letter to the federation in which he claimed that he drank a soda that was spiked with the meth. (Happens to me all the time). He dropped a dime on Slim in the process as he pointed out that the soda was Slim's. Sorry Slim, but you are a prick anyway. I don't blame Slim, for there are Slims around every corner. Andre was a big boy who made a dumb choice, end of story. But, in the end the crack team of federation members bought Agassi's story and dropped the incident. It sure sounds like there was a pay off on top of it all but if there was; Andre, Slim and the federation ain't talkin'.

As you all know Agassi made a comeback and eventually retired in 2006. He hooked up with tennis star Stephi Graff and today they have two kids. Cue the happy ending music. All that remains now is whether or not Agassi's legacy will remain intact- at least that's what the punditry is punditizin' about. Do any of us care? I think not. But the punditry must do what it does or face extinction.

But the question is why now? Why cop to the drug use now? Did Stephi put him up to it? Does Andre's guilty conscience rob him of sleep? Allow me to speculate on the hypothesis based on my own factual musings. A tennis pro gets high with his assistant. If the pro takes to the meth then sooner or later he's going to get bored with staring across the glass table at Slim's mug day after meth soaked day. So let's say Andre says, 'say Slim, why not get some broads over here and maybe a couple of your cool buddies'. Slim, being a tweaker knows plenty o' meth heads. Although high, the tweakers know who Andre is. Flash forward to Andre's retirement. What if somebody talks? What if one of the meth heads comes down long enough to write their own tell all? (in crayon). Suppose they try and shake Agassi down for some grease like David Letterman's blackmailer? Get the picture? It's totally plausible that Andre Agassi thought it best to jump out in front of all of the members of the crystal-meth mirrored round table.

I think my theory brings considerable weight to the story and fills in the missing pieces. Again, it's like I always say, 'know who you're getting high with.' The only problem is you're high and it is therefore tough to remember who you got high with...or so I've read. I think Andre has come out of this thing smelling like a rose, or at least a two day old chrysanthemum. The moral and morale for that matter, of the story is; if you're down on your luck don't bump the hard meth, stick to beers, you'll be glad you did.

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