Customer Service...Call Me!

As quality customer service slowly declines across this great nation and perhaps all of north america every now and then an experience comes along that puts a smile on one's face. I called AT&T with a question about my bill. After traversing the numerous yet joyous prompts I made it to level two. Not familiar with level two? Oh, allow me: level two is the fun experience where the customer enjoys a 12 second piece of muzak. This little ditty loops relentlessly until the representative comes on the line or the customer briefly slips into insanity before dying a very slow death. After 9 minutes of the 12 second loop of Lady Ga Ga's muzak-ed Poker Face, I got Tina.

We do the 'who are you?' dance which entails password, phone number and partial SS# and voila I'm at level three...or perhaps four. Either way I'm at the level where I'm granted the glorious privilege of asking my question. Tina was very helpful and even answered my 'small talk' question. (This would require her to abandon the company script. Oh, yeah I push boundaries like that).

After much ado about much ado, we were approaching the finish line. My question answered; I felt a pleasant time was had by all. It almost felt as though we'd gone on a first date where dinner was scrumptious after which I received a tender goodnight kiss at the door. As the 'good byes' were about to be exchanged she hit me with a curveball which naturally I was forced to run with. Below is how it played out with close to 95% accuracy. Enjoy:

"...at AT&T we strive to bring you quality (blah, blah, blah)--"

"Ok, thank you," I reply.

"Is there anything that might come up within the next 30 days that I can help you with now?"

I heard the question loud and clear and baby did I need to play with it. "Excuse me?" I reply coyly.

She repeats the question in the exact same way to which I respond, "Are you asking if I have a question in the future would I like the opportunity to ask it now?"

"Yes," she said.

"I know what's going on here you're tired of my shit, y'all don't want me calling for a month, is that what's going on?"

"No," she giggles. "I was just wondering if there was anything I could help you with now that may come up within the next thirty days?" Clearly she didn't think I was grasping the concept of her question. Clearly this called for more playtime.

"Is this call recorded for quality assurance?" I ask.

"Yes sir."

"So that means I'm on record saying the word 'shit'."

"Yes sir, you are."

"Shit, oops I did it again," I said which brought more giggling. "Let me get this straight baby doll, you're wondering if I can look into the future, have a problem and figure out my question now, is that it?"

"Well no I was just--"

"What if a guy like me has a question two weeks from now, are you telling me I have to wait another 14 days before I can call you people back?"

I really had her laughing now. "No sir not at all. What I mean is--"

"Suppose I have an extremely urgent issue 29 days from now can I call one minute after midnight or do I have to wait until the following morning--day 30?"

"No, no you can call anytime we at AT&T are happy to have you as a customer. I was just asking if there is--"

"I know, I know ask now or hold onto my shit for at least 30 days. I can dig it. By the way I said that word again."

She was totally cracking up by this time which meant I had her where I wanted her.

"I know what's really going on here. You dig me. You're totally into me and you just want to keep me on the phone. Is it my voice?" I ask. She kept laughing. "You're going to listen back to this tape aren't you? Ha ha. Tina this is serious customer service baby."

"Sir please no, I was...is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"No I'm good and I'll try not to call back before my 30 days are up."

"Sir, it's OK!" she practically shouted through her laughter. "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"You didn't say the 30 day part," I teased.

"I'm, I'm not going to anymore. You have a pleasant day, please no texting and driving and please feel free to call us anytime if you have any questions."

"Are you going to listen back to my tape when we hang up or wait until your lunch break?" I asked.

"Good bye Mr. Brown," she said with a sigh.

And that's how it went down. Calling any big company these days can be a nightmare, we all know that. My advice is if ever you see an opening for what I call 'playtime'. Carpe Diem baby!