Re-Seal The Deal

It's been a few months now but I can't seem to shake the break up between Seal and Heidi Klum. Before you rush off to another blog post, hold the phone. I'm not saying my heart aches for those two crazy kids, but it's the whole renewing of the marital vows that causes me to shake my head with knitted brow. For those of you outside the celebrity loop, the former happy couple used to renew their marriage vows every year.

'Gag us with a spoon', to borrow a quote from the San Fernando Valley circa 1980's. Alas, the self indulgent public display of a perfect marriage could not be saved by the ritual. Let's be honest, doesn't this fall into the same category of 'me thinks ye doth protest too much?" But, slightly amended to 'me thinks ye doth renew too much because thine marriage days are numbered'. The move also belongs in the 'look at us, we're blowhards in need of severe attention' category.

But let's peel back the layers of this decadent onion shall we, for I am curious as to how it works? The vow, for example. Do you write new vows or do you roll with the originals? If the original vow(s) is working for you, don't change it, right? However, ripping through the same old vow would become tedious to say the least, would it not? And what about the wedding party? Do you invite the same people every year? We all know how sensitive and down right stupid people can get over this lovely day. Keeping the roster the same would insure that no one is offended. And do the bridesmaids want to be bridesmaids every year? One would hope that Heidi Klum, the queen of Project Runway would no doubt put her gal pals in some sweet threads to be sure. Or, would it be a pain in the ass for the ladies to have to head back to the treadmill every 6 months prior to the ceremony seeing as they'll be standing beside a former super model...every year...Gee thanks.

And what about the wedding band? Do Seal's guys get the gig? And if they do, do they have to do it for free as a good gesture to their boss? That would suck for them. Do you know how much a wedding band can charge for a celebrity wedding? And if Seal's guys don't get the gig are they insulted? "What, aren't we good enough for you?" They'd ask. And what if you're some wedding band plucked out of the yellow pages? You're the lead singer all fired up at the prospect of singing to Victoria's Secret models when it dons on you that you'll be singing for Seal! Doh! Talk about pressure.

And now onto the the caterer. If you're the caterer you've probably had to low ball your estimate to get the gig. So now you've got a celebrity client who no doubt will need special, shall we say, maintenance and there you are getting short changed. Yet, all the other catering companies envy you. This in turn forces you to play it up at cocktail parties with other caterers. It's just good business after all. (And as an aside, who caters the caterers party anyway?)

So where are we at? We have a yearly display of 'look how much in love we are and for the love of god, pleeeeeease envy us!' We have a wedding party that if surveryed I bet would come down around 65% don't want to be there. We have a boat load of employees; the wedding band, caterers etc. who need the gig, even if they have to take it in the shorts financially. Roll all of this into a sandwich of attention getting, red carpet wannbe-ism only to find that its done; the party is literally over.

The Bottom Line

Don't sicken others with exaggerated public displays of affection and numerous vow renewals you're just putting your relationship behind the eight ball. But, if you must put us all through your decadent fantasy make sure to put the bridesmaids in nice digs and pay your employees a decent buck. But who are the winners here? The guys, dolls, men and women on the outside that's who. The everyday John and Jane Doe. The people who go about their business keeping it real day in and day out who become mildly amused and slightly irritated by celebrity stories like these. I'm talking about me and You! We are the norm. Stay strong ye of the non-renew and single-vow for, a true vow need only be sworn...once.

When We Were King's

The sanity tank of this world is fast becoming depleted. Yesterday I was witness a scene, or phenomenon if you will, so grave that it is imperative that I share it with you. It was yet another beautiful day in sunny SoCal so my wife and I went hiking. We were in a fairly populated area so 'hellos' and 'good mornings' were abundant. It seems everybody's cup is half full during a hike away from the daily grind.
Suddenly, and without warning we a came across three 20-something women and a little dog. I'm no dog whisperer, nor dog expert but if I were testifying in a court of law I'd say the k-9 was a brussels griffon. American Kennel claims that this breed is charming, curious and makes for a good companion dog. I, for one am not here to dispute their assessment. Rather, I must tell you that I was darn near overtaken by shock when I saw one of the three ladies carrying the dog. I mean heaven forbid that the poor doggie-soul should have to suffer and walk upon its own four legs in the great outdoors! Why, a pack of rabid coyotes could attack in broad daylight and assault the little guy. Or a giant eagle having not fed for a fortnight could swoop down and pluck up the little brussely rascal. Or worse yet, the dog might harm his cute little paws and claws on the incredibly smooth sandy man made path.
This is a new world people. A world where the dog's new natural habitat is the great indoors; a cozy prada purse or a $1200 down filled doggie bed. To quote the once great...ok half decent, Charlie Sheen, the dog is 'winning!' And man is swimming in a dark sea of subservient patheticism. (My word, poetic license and all that)
As I struggled to recover from my shock I convinced myself that what I witnessed was a fluke, a one-off if you will. Alas, my cloud of optimism was burst into a million tiny fragmants not ten minutes later when we came upon two more women; one carrying a chihuahua-something-mix. And to add insult to injury; to poke fun at the fact that my (and your) position on the food chain is dropping like a rock the little chihuahua looked at me smugly as if to say, 'hey there bipod how goes that activity that causes you to huff, puff, sweat and yearn for a cold beer?' In fact, I could have sworn he even...chuckled at me in that doggie way they sometimes do.
My wife and I scampered the remaining 400 yards of our hike, climbed into my truck and headed to the pub for a pint. We toasted briefly and then let the ice cold sweet nectar run down our throats to comfort our very souls. And it was then that I took pride in man's progress for the k-9 can't saddle up to a bar and order himself a doggie treat...not yet anyway. As long as we have cold pints waiting at the end of long hikes it is we who are 'winning'! But, dang is it ever a close race. Stay strong people and watch your 6, for man's best friend no longer has designs of wiping out the cat...nay, he's coming...for you!

Rich Dad, Poor Dad...Prick Son

It is impossible these days to listen to the radio for under 2 minutes without hearing an ad for live seminars with Robert Kiyosaki, author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad. It was not the commercials that persuaded me to read his book, it was friends and acquaintances from different walks of life. This is usually a good marker for a good read; having recommendations from personalities with differing interests. You might think that I'm about to rip the book a new one. I assure you I am not. More precisely I'm going to rip Kiyosaki, the man.

After reading success story upon success story mixed with numerous chapters about how brilliant this blowhard was at such a young age, an irritating picture emerges from between the lines. It wasn't his monetary journey that bothered me nor his financial advise. It was his treatment of his biological dad that stuck in my craw. He literally threw his dad under the bus, backed over him and repeated it chapter after chapter.

The proof is in the pudding--title. His bio-dad is the 'Poor Dad'. This lead me to believe that I was about to read a rags to riches/pull myself up by my bootstraps type of story. But in under 50 pages it becomes clear that Kiyosaki's father was middle class. Happy and middle class. However, middle class in the eyes of this future multi-millionaire equals loser. The 'Rich Dad' is actually his close childhood friend's father. This relationship causes strain on the two boys' friendship but Kiyosaki moves on. He's down a bio-dad and a best friend but it's all good when in pursuit of the almighty dollar. The 'Rich Dad' mentors Kiyosaki and he never looks back.

It all comes down to perspective and I am fully aware that my perspective may differ from most. Most see a driven man with focus. The type of self made man that was the stuff of vintage Hollywood movies. Others (like moi) see a greedy bastard who no doubt broke his father's heart all for the love of money. If you think you're reading the blog of a bleeding heart liberal who despises the rich you would be wrong. Amass all you want, just don't burn rubber on your old man's carcass. Here's a quick example to illuminate my point. Robert Kiyosaki tells a story where he offers two buy a couple's home at a tiny fraction of what it is worth. The couple turn down the insult at the outset. Sadly, months down the road the couple accepts the offer in desperation. We, the reader are meant to be impressed with the maverick-like maneuver. {I should point out that this was not Kiyosaki's his first home purchase. He was actually wealthy at the time. This was merely another trophy.}

I challenge you to read this book and tell me that Robert Kiyosaki could not have told his story without painting his father with the 'broken down loser' brush. In fact, I'd wager that 8 out of 10 psycho therapists would say he has some underlying issues with his father and purged those issues onto the pages of his book for all to see. Furthermore, the therapists might ad that his anger toward his father is what drove him; is what made him. A friend of mine attended one of his seminars and the big Kahuna didn't show. Instead an understudy (minion) hosted the event. I have subsequently learned that this is par for the course and it is stated in the fine print that if the the guru himself is not in attendance no money will be refunded. Do you see what a good business man he is?

Robert Kiyosaki has written many books since 'Rich Dad...' including a version for teens. (Oh great, the younger generation who's motto is 'you're not the boss of me' is about to be touched by the hand of Kiyosaki. I would urge all you parents out there to hide your house deeds. )Seeing as Robert Kiyosaki has acquired the writing bug I am calling for him to write one more book. And he should call it "Prick Son...An Ungrateful Little boy's Apology To His Father."

Debt Ceiling...Really?

The so called 'debt ceiling crisis' is beyond infuriating. In the beginning there was no a crisis but through tom foolery and stupidity we now have...a crisis. Be you Republican, Democrat, Tea Party(ite), independent or other, the entire nation is now fully aware that the debt ceiling was raised 7 times by George W. Bush and 17 times by Ronald Reagan. This cannot be denied. Now, Barack Obama and his administration wish to raise the ceiling but the opposition says no! Questions; are the republicans obstructionist assholes or are the democrats wimps who lack what it takes to move this issue forward? I humbly put it to you that the answer is both. Speaker Boehner, the republicans and Tea Party(ers) are behaving moronically when one looks at the dangers of playing with America's credit rating like this. And, Obama and his camp are toothless in that they have allowed Boehner et al to piggy back cuts, cuts, cuts on top of this issue. The debt ceiling is what it is and it should stand alone, as it has with previous presidents.

Allow me to put all of this in the lay terms of a rocker with a sunny disposition. The U.S. government borrows money to pay it's bills. But it cannot borrow indefinitely. It has a 'ceiling'. Equate it with we, the common folk and our credit cards. If we pay bills with our visa but suddenly hit our maximum we are done. Our only option is to call visa, say a week before we go over the top and ask that our limit be raised. If visa says, 'no problem Dawg, you've got a great credit rating so go for it' then we're in business. If visa says no, then bill collectors come calling and our credit score starts dropping like a rock. That's where America is now.

The politicians on both sides of the aisle are playing a game of chicken. And during this game they are name calling and finger pointing. Furthermore, they are walking out on each other, not returning phone calls and other forms of pre-teen behavior. Let me ask you this. If you were calling visa and asking for a limit raise would YOU play cat & mouse games with them? If you did, do you think it would work?

Dig this: Me: Hiya visa, I need to raise my limit and while you are at it you need to lower my interest rate to 2 per cent

visa: We at visa can raise your limit however at this time we are unable to--"

Me: (click sound), I hang up and walk away...from my own cell phone

Me Calling back: Hi visa guy, I need to raise my limit.

Visa: I'll be happy to help but our records show that you hung up on visa representative Tammy McTammyton

Me: No, no I didn't. She hung up on me...twice even

visa: How could she have hung up twice sir?

Me: Ah, er, with her special visa phone, hello! Anyway I need to raise the limit asap.

visa: We can do that for you sir. But I must remind you that your next payment is due in 7 days and to raise your limit will take 8 to 10 business days.

Me: I know, that gives me plenty of time...right? Oh sh** wait a minute.

Grow up you political toddlers and stop fu**ing with America!!! Don't make ME come to Washington!

Chris Brown...cries all the way home

Performer Chris Brown was scheduled to be interviewed by Robin Roberts on Good Morning America. The idea was for Brown to perform, answer a few questions and then close with another song. But who knew Robin Roberts was such a heavy hitter? For, when it came time for what Brown hoped would be softball questions about the upcoming album the tricky Roberts did a 180 and asked about the singer's prior assault, or should I say, battery of Rihanna. The overrated singer stormed to his dressing room, smashed a window and left the studio. But not before tearing off his shirt. Note to all tough guys; when you want to let the world know you're pissed off make sure you remove your cotton t-shirt otherwise the message won't be clear. It also helps if you have ink because then you are saying, "look out world, I'm pissed and I have tattoos...and everything!" or "Me and my tattoos are so pissed I've left my tight t-shirt behind...and everything!"

This next part is my favorite. Chris 'the sissy' Brown issued a statement after the episode. What, did thoust think he'd hang his head in shame after the grown-up- boy-tantrum? Uh-uh shame belongs to generations past. Brown pleads, and I paraphrase, "I wish everyone would get off what happened. That was two years ago." (When he beat the shit out of his then girlfriend, Rihanna) and he goes on, "You can't let this go but everybody praises Charlie Sheen..." Wow, did you see that deflection ladies and gentlemen? That amazing slight of hand? "Don't look at me look at Charlie! Whaaaaaaaaaaa!"

What a tiny, little, diminutive man and I ain't referring to his height. Has society come to this? Say it ain't so that a diminutive man can't 'tune up' his ol' lady without everybody remembering? And then on top of this all praise goes to the more famous celebrity, Charlie"Blowhard" Sheen. (Also overrated). Damn you society, damn you to hell! Brown, the little weasel, still has a record deal; has a new album out with all kinds of promo and he was even part of the ensemble cast of the movie, Takers. How many other people who don't even beat their girlfriends get opportunities like this? Precious few Chris Brown, precious few. Yet you whine like a, like a, well...a celebrity. One of the many things that stick in my craw about this whole event is that when the beating took place many in the black community, including women, came to the little pip squeak's defense. I almost had a tantrum of my own and threw my laptop out my window. And don't feed me that 'tough upbringing jive' either. That was then. It's behind him. If he needs therapy or anger management he can afford it. Book stores are loaded with self help books etc. and support groups are all over the place. The point is, he has resources and more options than most.

But seriously, the guy loses it on Good Morning America? That firing squad television show of journalistic interrogation? How pathetic. Its not like he was blindsided by 60 minutes or ambushed by Michael Moore and his film crew. Hell, he wasn't even punk'd by that actor who thinks himself cute, Ashton "I think I'm cute" Kutcher. Chris Brown you are a child and my patience for you and other spoiled upstarts like you is wearing perilously thin. Get help, stop writing crappy music and if you see me coming, hide. Or I'll give you something to really cry about!

Don't Be A Smart ALEC!

Arizona senator Russell Pearce had a problem. There were too many illegal immigrants running around in his town and he wasn't having any. So, he went to his little clubhouse of buddies. The club has a name; American Legislative Exchange Council or ALEC for those in the know. ALEC is comprised of Arizona state legislators and powerful corporations. "Lawmakers, meet money guys. Money guys, say hello to malleable lawmakers." As handshakes move around the room Exxon Mobile cats say hello to National Rifle Association fellas. And NRA fellas greet Corrections Corporation of America guys, the largest private prison company in the country.

The ALEC boys listen to their brother ALEC member, senator Russell Pearce with deep concern. Brows are furrowed. Sighs escape turned down mouths. A discussion spreads through the room until a plan is hatched. And then a bill is drafted. I am of course referring to the controversial Arizona immigration bill which allows law enforcement to question suspicious looking brown people. The ALEC members of the prison board not only felt sorry for the troubled senator they also saw an opportunity. Remember, they are the money guys. Why else would they be in the room? They saw that there was a new commodity in town and that brown people were it!

In the 70's, 80's, 90's and so on many politicians, activists and regular folk cried foul at the proportion of black and brown people versus white people in prisons and jails. Often the person pointing out the lopsided phenomena was either ignored or labeled a conspiracy theorist. Well there ain't no ignoring nor is there a THEORY of conspiracy at play here in 2010. High level members at the Corrections Corporation of America have gone on record as saying "Immigrant detention is going to be our next big market." And why not? Detaining people is a billion dollar industry and they aim to keep it that way, and the only way to do that is to lock em' up baby!

Next, the private prison guys needed some brown people wranglers-someone to round up these people. Without detainees, no more prison building, meaning no more federal reserve notes (CASH). "Ah ha we'll get those ICE guys to do it, they love that shit," someone exclaimed. ICE stands for Immigration and Customs Enforcement. 'Phew, we've got our wranglers' they must have exhaled. They were good to go. Almost. It was looking as though only the 'money guys' stood to be 'in the money', so to speak. What about poor senator Pearce and his co-worker buddies? Oh yes, I almost forgot. Several of the legislators who voted for the bill were paid by the private prison companies or their lobbyists. Alas, ladies and gentlemen with all of the cash and players in play we have the perfect storm.

The kicker to this shindig that makes this fiendish plot the bees knees is that when ALEC members gather (money and power) and write bills and spread the wealth to themselves by pinning brown folk beneath their steel toed boots and tossing them into shiny new cells, the whole shootin' match is perfectly legal. How do ya like them apples America?

The Island Of Doctor Murray

Doctor Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician has been charged with involuntary manslaughter. In lay terms the crime is basically an unintended accident that causes death. Voluntary manslaughter basically means, that a dude meant to kill someone but had no prior intent. This is often known as a "crime of passion". Dr. Murray falls into the involuntary category because the D.A. believes that Murray allegedly had no prior intent. The D.A.'s office probably arrived at their conclusion and subsequent charge due to the fact that Murray stood do make $150,000 per month accompanying Michael on the tour. Why bite the (gloved) hand that feeds ya?

Murray plead not guilty. The D.A. asked for bail to be set at $300,000. The D.A. shot high because the L.A. D.A. is a bit of a shaky D.A. what with the celebrity acquittals of O.J Simpson and Robert Blake. Not to mention the almost acquittal of music producer Phil Spector. Bail is usually set at $25,000 in California for a case like this. Alas, the judge finally settled on $75,000 which Murray paid and now he's out. If found guilty the maximum Dr.Conrad Murray would get is four years in a state prison. You Jackson fans may think that wouldn't be enough but we are talking prison, not jail. There is a big difference: prison is a harder place with harder guys. Many of which are Jackson fans with their own standard of right and wrong. Even if he were to be separated from general pop he could still be 'got' to. (If there is any truth to countless Hollywood prison movies that is).

Now that Murray is out he's free to practice medicine and is licensed to do so in Texas, Nevada and California; although the Cal-board of Doc-deciders is looking to pull his license as I write and you read. The Judge added a sweet little gem before the gavel dropped and that was that Murray is not allowed to prescribe anesthetics, especially Propofol. Propofol was the cocktail, or 'milk' as Michael called it, that the Doc cooked up to curb Michael's insomnia. How'd that work out for ya Doc?

HOW IT'LL ALL BREAK DOWN

Cue voice over of Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer: The following takes place between now and Dr. Murray's trial in April:

"...ah yeah Doc I need something fast for this back pain. And now that you're about to be sent up for just shy of a nickel, I take it your rates have come down a little?"

"Ah, er, yes. Mind you I can't prescribe Popofol, my old stand by, but I can prescribe everything in this pile which I've never prescribed and know precious little about. Are ya up for it? Come on, live a little. Give a Doc break."

To listen to the media, which I don't, it doesn't look good for old Doc Murray. But it should be an interesting trial because once again it has that slam dunk feel to it. But so did the O.J. and Blake trial.